In my last post, I wrote about teens and their wanting to get mom’s permission to shave. Within that, I said my next blog was going to about teens' desire to use makeup and mom’s deciding whether it is time. This post is for those teens who want to show their moms they know how to wear makeup and for moms to give in a little on this, even those moms who never used makeup and still don’t want to. (As an aside, I wear eye makeup and a bit of blush and have since my teen years, not that anyone truly cares about ElaineR.N.s glamour routine. In fact, some may say I could do with more and others don’t even notice that I wear makeup, such as my husband. He was surprised once that my “natural beauty” was enhanced with blush, mascara and eyeliner. Sweet!)
Back to the topic: OK girls (old and young) once a girl becomes a teen, I think it is time to allow the use of makeup. Be clear, I am not (as I am sure the teen doesn’t want) advocating for heavy Lady GaGa type of make up. No! While it works for her and I like her unique style, I am in support of light natural looking makeup. By natural, I mean the use of a concealer to dab on blemishes, not heavy foundation; blush for a natural sunny glow type of look, not clown makeup; lip gloss, not red lipstick with liner for a crazy, lips plumped up and gone wild appearance; and, mascara that darkens and thickens, but doesn’t clump and stick together never washed look. Hope I cleared that up!
We are entering the holiday party season. This is the time of year when there are holiday parties and other festive get-togethers when everyone wants to look their best – teens and moms! To prepare, I have a great idea for a great mother/daughter bonding experience. You can purchase make up that you both agree will look great on a teen and then practice using it together. Also consider some skin and eye cleansers too, so you can make sure that you are using products made for those skin zones to avoid irritation. Before shopping, take a look at some online sites of the brands you want to try. There you can find colors and products that suit the look you are trying to achieve. It will help you be more efficient when you are in-store.
Teens: Check with your mom about starting to use makeup. Suggest that you shop together to select what you and she wants to try. Before hand though, and I mention this in the shaving post, do what you are asked to do around the house promptly and with a good attitude. That will go a long way in establishing your mature being to your mom.
Moms: Listen to your daughter and take a reasonable approach. If you are hesitant, consider allowing makeup in stages. First, approve lipgloss and then light blush. Do it together. Be her advocate for reasonable make up use. Enjoy her company, and appreciate that she is growing up and wants to include you in her life as she does. That is a pretty big deal!
For some help, there are several articles on beinggirl.com about makeup and skin care that is worth checking out for helpful tips:
http://www.beinggirl.com/my-beauty-and-style/skincare-and-makeup/?utm_source=247momsblogpost&utm_medium=nurseelaine&utm_content=link20111123&utm_campaign=comm_mgr
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Mom and Teen Daughter Detent: 1st Topic is Shaving
I just might win the Nobel Peace Prize for my next several blog postings and who would have thought I would become eligible by resolving mother/daughter shaving conflicts.
Let me step back: The reality is that moms have to address the urgently important requests that come their way from their frantic teen daughters (teen daughters: To be clear, I really don’t think you are frantic, but that is how moms sometimes see you!). And, teen girls have to get their unyielding moms’ permission to do things that they truly believe they should be allowed to do (mom’s: I don’t see you as unyielding, but when you don’t consider what your daughter’s needs really are, you may be seen that way by them!). What a quandary for both if they don’t find resolution. After all, this is the time when daughters need their moms the most and want to be able to talk to them about anything. And, moms want to protect and care for their daughters while still letting them mature into independent, self-confident young women.
The topics that I will be writing about in my next several blog postings, that cause mom/daughter disagreements, are: shaving, makeup and clothing styles. These are timeless teen topics because they are important aspects of a teen girls life. How do I know? It is because the experts at beinggirl.com receive lots of questions and comments about them on an ongoing basis. Many girls ask specifically about how we can help them get their moms to let them do something. My hope is to offer ways in which teen girls and their moms can talk requests associated with these topics without anger and annoyance and seek resolution that is acceptable to both. Along with that, I will share some fun history and facts about shaving, wearing makeup and clothing and styles that I hope all will find as interesting, as I did.
SHAVING
For some reason, some moms see shaving as a right of passage, which girls shouldn’t begin until they are at least 13 years old – no matter how hairy they are. In fact, there are some mothers who don’t think their daughters should ever shave, since they don’t and never did. Of course, it can be a cultural thing when it is perceived as being far more unnatural to shave then not. Usually though, that thinking is more prevalent outside the U.S.
Let’s start with the history of shaving. Beinggirl.com has an article on shaving that I will pull from for this post. The link is below if you want to read the entire article.
http://www.beinggirl.com/article/history-of-shaving/?utm_source=247Moms.blogspot&utm_medium=NurseElaine&utm_content=link20111111&utm_campaign=comm_mgr
“Women and men began shaving their bodies as early as caveman times. In the Stone Age, cave men and women used sharpened rocks and seashells to scrape hair away, the first example of primitive shaving. In ancient Egypt, women applied hot wax and strips of gauze to the legs; after it hardened, they ripped the wax and hairs away, paving the way for today's waxing procedures. Now that is pain! Early Arabian women introduced bandandoz, a precursor to the epilator. They laced cotton string between their fingers to form a cat's cradle, then ran it briskly over their legs to simultaneously encircle and pull out hairs.
Even depilatories, creams, and lotions, which chemically dissolve hair, have an origin in the history of shaving. In the early 18th century, American women prepared poultices of caustic lye, which, when applied to legs, burned away unwanted hair.”
But why? “We do know that during the earliest Egyptian dynasties, some 7,000 years ago, aristocratic men shaved their faces, heads, and bodies, while women shaved their bodies and their heads. Clean-shaven bodies and faces were clear indicators of wealth, power, and gentility.
As civilizations advanced, to shave or not to shave became a matter of fashion. For early Greeks and Romans, beards symbolized wisdom, maturity, and manhood. But as shaving spread throughout the Roman Empire, beards became a mark of slaves, servants, and barbarians adding to the ever-changing history of shaving.”
Moving along in time, “Elizabethan female hair removal was equally unusual; the Queen herself, along with all the ladies of the court, began plucking the hair from the top of their foreheads in order to make their foreheads appear higher and nobler.” (Actually, I wondered about the large foreheads on the women in some paintings depicting women in Elizabethan times and thought they suffered from some genetic hair issue that was transferred because cousins married. Wrong, at least about the hairline.)
In the 20th century, women began showing more of their bodies and fashion dictated that legs and underarms become hairless. (Never thought that I would admit this, and publicly for sure, but when I was a teen I shaved my arms right down to the wrist. Even my friends thought that my bald arms looked odd. But at the time, I thought that is what everyone did. If I had talked to my mom, bet that wouldn’t have happened. Another reason for mom/daughter dialogue on even the most common of practices.) Today, women mostly shave their legs and underarms and it is considered common hygienic practice.
NOW THE DÉTENTE PART
For Moms: Mothers with teen girls need to pick their battles. If you want to do the wooley booley, no need to force that on your daughter. Your daughter has to take gym with other girls and, most-likely, wears sleeveless clothing in warm weather. You are being asked about this because your daughter has hair she wants to remove that you may not be aware that she has. Granted, I wish we lived in the kind of world where it didn’t matter, but it does. Girls notice each other and don't want to be different on this front. I say let her do it when she asks. Use the request as a way to let her know you are listening and respect her. This is an easy ask, really, as it won’t hurt her and will help her feel more grown-up. Also, she will be more likely to come to you for some of the more challenging requests knowing that you will, at least, hear her out.
As an aside, if your daughter has a really heavy hair growth pattern, with hair on her face, chest or abdomen that is not hereditary, you should schedule an appointment with her health care provider. There may be some underlying glandular/hormonal issues that need to be diagnosed and treated by a medical professional.
For girls wanting to shave: Find a time to speak with your mom when there is no one else around. If fact, you may want to write a note or email her to schedule a time to do this. Read up a bit about shaving so you can let her know that the request was important enough for you to research it a bit before talking. Also, you may want to consider doing some of the things she asks of you, like putting the dishes away and straightening up your room, promptly and with a smile. Tell your mom that you have hair in places that you didn’t before and let her know how you feel about that. Let your mom talk too. Ask her about her first time shaving, if she does, and see if she remembers how she felt or if she asked her mom’s permission first. If she says YES, say thanks for listening. If she declines your request, and hopefully she won’t, ask her why without anger and if there will be a time that she thinks it would be ok for you to shave. Again, don’t get angry if she says NO. Anger will make you seem immature. After all, she may think further about this, appreciate your approach and change her mind. In any case, I believe talking to your mom is always best. Good luck!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I want to thank my friend and colleague, Mary Baldwin, who is also a beinggirl.com expert. She and I talk often about the kinds of questions and concerns teen girls have and how best to address them. Mary has a M.S.Ed, with a focus on women's health. Should I win the Nobel Peace Prize, I promise to give her a bit of the winnings for inspiring me with ideas for my blog posts. Thanks Mary!!
Let me step back: The reality is that moms have to address the urgently important requests that come their way from their frantic teen daughters (teen daughters: To be clear, I really don’t think you are frantic, but that is how moms sometimes see you!). And, teen girls have to get their unyielding moms’ permission to do things that they truly believe they should be allowed to do (mom’s: I don’t see you as unyielding, but when you don’t consider what your daughter’s needs really are, you may be seen that way by them!). What a quandary for both if they don’t find resolution. After all, this is the time when daughters need their moms the most and want to be able to talk to them about anything. And, moms want to protect and care for their daughters while still letting them mature into independent, self-confident young women.
The topics that I will be writing about in my next several blog postings, that cause mom/daughter disagreements, are: shaving, makeup and clothing styles. These are timeless teen topics because they are important aspects of a teen girls life. How do I know? It is because the experts at beinggirl.com receive lots of questions and comments about them on an ongoing basis. Many girls ask specifically about how we can help them get their moms to let them do something. My hope is to offer ways in which teen girls and their moms can talk requests associated with these topics without anger and annoyance and seek resolution that is acceptable to both. Along with that, I will share some fun history and facts about shaving, wearing makeup and clothing and styles that I hope all will find as interesting, as I did.
SHAVING
For some reason, some moms see shaving as a right of passage, which girls shouldn’t begin until they are at least 13 years old – no matter how hairy they are. In fact, there are some mothers who don’t think their daughters should ever shave, since they don’t and never did. Of course, it can be a cultural thing when it is perceived as being far more unnatural to shave then not. Usually though, that thinking is more prevalent outside the U.S.
Let’s start with the history of shaving. Beinggirl.com has an article on shaving that I will pull from for this post. The link is below if you want to read the entire article.
http://www.beinggirl.com/article/history-of-shaving/?utm_source=247Moms.blogspot&utm_medium=NurseElaine&utm_content=link20111111&utm_campaign=comm_mgr
“Women and men began shaving their bodies as early as caveman times. In the Stone Age, cave men and women used sharpened rocks and seashells to scrape hair away, the first example of primitive shaving. In ancient Egypt, women applied hot wax and strips of gauze to the legs; after it hardened, they ripped the wax and hairs away, paving the way for today's waxing procedures. Now that is pain! Early Arabian women introduced bandandoz, a precursor to the epilator. They laced cotton string between their fingers to form a cat's cradle, then ran it briskly over their legs to simultaneously encircle and pull out hairs.
Even depilatories, creams, and lotions, which chemically dissolve hair, have an origin in the history of shaving. In the early 18th century, American women prepared poultices of caustic lye, which, when applied to legs, burned away unwanted hair.”
But why? “We do know that during the earliest Egyptian dynasties, some 7,000 years ago, aristocratic men shaved their faces, heads, and bodies, while women shaved their bodies and their heads. Clean-shaven bodies and faces were clear indicators of wealth, power, and gentility.
As civilizations advanced, to shave or not to shave became a matter of fashion. For early Greeks and Romans, beards symbolized wisdom, maturity, and manhood. But as shaving spread throughout the Roman Empire, beards became a mark of slaves, servants, and barbarians adding to the ever-changing history of shaving.”
Moving along in time, “Elizabethan female hair removal was equally unusual; the Queen herself, along with all the ladies of the court, began plucking the hair from the top of their foreheads in order to make their foreheads appear higher and nobler.” (Actually, I wondered about the large foreheads on the women in some paintings depicting women in Elizabethan times and thought they suffered from some genetic hair issue that was transferred because cousins married. Wrong, at least about the hairline.)
In the 20th century, women began showing more of their bodies and fashion dictated that legs and underarms become hairless. (Never thought that I would admit this, and publicly for sure, but when I was a teen I shaved my arms right down to the wrist. Even my friends thought that my bald arms looked odd. But at the time, I thought that is what everyone did. If I had talked to my mom, bet that wouldn’t have happened. Another reason for mom/daughter dialogue on even the most common of practices.) Today, women mostly shave their legs and underarms and it is considered common hygienic practice.
NOW THE DÉTENTE PART
For Moms: Mothers with teen girls need to pick their battles. If you want to do the wooley booley, no need to force that on your daughter. Your daughter has to take gym with other girls and, most-likely, wears sleeveless clothing in warm weather. You are being asked about this because your daughter has hair she wants to remove that you may not be aware that she has. Granted, I wish we lived in the kind of world where it didn’t matter, but it does. Girls notice each other and don't want to be different on this front. I say let her do it when she asks. Use the request as a way to let her know you are listening and respect her. This is an easy ask, really, as it won’t hurt her and will help her feel more grown-up. Also, she will be more likely to come to you for some of the more challenging requests knowing that you will, at least, hear her out.
As an aside, if your daughter has a really heavy hair growth pattern, with hair on her face, chest or abdomen that is not hereditary, you should schedule an appointment with her health care provider. There may be some underlying glandular/hormonal issues that need to be diagnosed and treated by a medical professional.
For girls wanting to shave: Find a time to speak with your mom when there is no one else around. If fact, you may want to write a note or email her to schedule a time to do this. Read up a bit about shaving so you can let her know that the request was important enough for you to research it a bit before talking. Also, you may want to consider doing some of the things she asks of you, like putting the dishes away and straightening up your room, promptly and with a smile. Tell your mom that you have hair in places that you didn’t before and let her know how you feel about that. Let your mom talk too. Ask her about her first time shaving, if she does, and see if she remembers how she felt or if she asked her mom’s permission first. If she says YES, say thanks for listening. If she declines your request, and hopefully she won’t, ask her why without anger and if there will be a time that she thinks it would be ok for you to shave. Again, don’t get angry if she says NO. Anger will make you seem immature. After all, she may think further about this, appreciate your approach and change her mind. In any case, I believe talking to your mom is always best. Good luck!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I want to thank my friend and colleague, Mary Baldwin, who is also a beinggirl.com expert. She and I talk often about the kinds of questions and concerns teen girls have and how best to address them. Mary has a M.S.Ed, with a focus on women's health. Should I win the Nobel Peace Prize, I promise to give her a bit of the winnings for inspiring me with ideas for my blog posts. Thanks Mary!!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Info About Breasts for the Novice – What they do, what they are, and how they look!!
For many girls going through puberty, their major concern, outside of when they will get their period, is the size and development of their breasts. Why am I blogging about this now? Actually, it is because I was reading some of the questions that girls ask the beinggirl.com experts and this topic was a recurring theme. Being way past the age of caring about this in regards to my own personal being, I was glad for the reminder of the angst that puberty brings in regards to body image so I could blog about it and perhaps provide some reassurance.
Since we all start out having breasts and we mostly know what their ultimate purpose is, at least in females (I still haven’t figured out why men have boobs, beyond the fact that they too are mammals and all mammals have them.), I thought it would be helpful to understand them a bit better then the obvious. So stay with me as I give an abbreviated anatomy and physiology lesson on the breast:
One of the first signs that puberty is occurring is the development of breast tissue. The breasts are made up of milk-secreting glands, ducts and fatty connective and lymphatic tissue. Lobules, within the breasts, actually produce the milk and the ducts connect the milk-producing lobules to the nipple. Breasts come in all shapes and sizes, such as round, pointy, football-shaped or flattish to name a few. Cups sizes can range anywhere from AAA to DDDD! Also, about half of women have lumpy breasts due to fatty tissue differences or fibrocystic gland tissue. In fact, it is the fibrocystic breast tissue that becomes tender or painful every month due to hormone changes. There is a condition called, fibrocystic breast condition that can cause extreme discomfort during ones period. That will be addressed in another blog, if I get further interest in this topic.
Now some frequently asked questions from girls:
Teens are concerned about their breast size. So the question that should be answered is: Does size matter? The reply is it shouldn’t. When it comes to milk production, experts agree that size doesn’t matter. Larger breasts have a higher percentage of fatty tissue, not more milk producing capability. The size of ones breasts is usually determined by genetics.
Another question that gets thought about is: Do boys mostly prefer larger breasts? Breasts are right out there, so to speak, so they are more noticeable and more attention is placed on them. As far as what size and shape do most guys prefer, just about any. If you ask different girls what color hair or eyes she likes in a partner, the answers will be random and all over the place. The truth of the matter is that the answers about breast size preference will also vary depending on the person. The important thing here is that if someone likes and cares about YOU, your breast size and shape become unimportant.
For some girls, their primary concern is when they will get breasts, then it is how big will they be and what will they look like, but it doesn’t usually enter ones conscious thoughts that their breasts could be different sizes. Talk about making the stress of puberty more intense – breast sizes of different proportions could do it! Fortunately, breast size usually equalizes out or becomes minimally different and not very evident. Of course, if breast size differentials get greater as one gets older, it is key to have them checked out by a health care provider, as it could indicate a growth, such as a tumor or cyst that needs immediate attention.
For those of you reading this who no longer have breasts due to surgery to prevent or treat cancer, you might tell girls not to sweat the small stuff and to just enjoy their youth and good health. In the end, the thing that matters most is the person that you are and the goodness that you bring to the world. Too bad that it takes some of us awhile past puberty to really understand the wisdom in that.
Since we all start out having breasts and we mostly know what their ultimate purpose is, at least in females (I still haven’t figured out why men have boobs, beyond the fact that they too are mammals and all mammals have them.), I thought it would be helpful to understand them a bit better then the obvious. So stay with me as I give an abbreviated anatomy and physiology lesson on the breast:
One of the first signs that puberty is occurring is the development of breast tissue. The breasts are made up of milk-secreting glands, ducts and fatty connective and lymphatic tissue. Lobules, within the breasts, actually produce the milk and the ducts connect the milk-producing lobules to the nipple. Breasts come in all shapes and sizes, such as round, pointy, football-shaped or flattish to name a few. Cups sizes can range anywhere from AAA to DDDD! Also, about half of women have lumpy breasts due to fatty tissue differences or fibrocystic gland tissue. In fact, it is the fibrocystic breast tissue that becomes tender or painful every month due to hormone changes. There is a condition called, fibrocystic breast condition that can cause extreme discomfort during ones period. That will be addressed in another blog, if I get further interest in this topic.
Now some frequently asked questions from girls:
Teens are concerned about their breast size. So the question that should be answered is: Does size matter? The reply is it shouldn’t. When it comes to milk production, experts agree that size doesn’t matter. Larger breasts have a higher percentage of fatty tissue, not more milk producing capability. The size of ones breasts is usually determined by genetics.
Another question that gets thought about is: Do boys mostly prefer larger breasts? Breasts are right out there, so to speak, so they are more noticeable and more attention is placed on them. As far as what size and shape do most guys prefer, just about any. If you ask different girls what color hair or eyes she likes in a partner, the answers will be random and all over the place. The truth of the matter is that the answers about breast size preference will also vary depending on the person. The important thing here is that if someone likes and cares about YOU, your breast size and shape become unimportant.
For some girls, their primary concern is when they will get breasts, then it is how big will they be and what will they look like, but it doesn’t usually enter ones conscious thoughts that their breasts could be different sizes. Talk about making the stress of puberty more intense – breast sizes of different proportions could do it! Fortunately, breast size usually equalizes out or becomes minimally different and not very evident. Of course, if breast size differentials get greater as one gets older, it is key to have them checked out by a health care provider, as it could indicate a growth, such as a tumor or cyst that needs immediate attention.
For those of you reading this who no longer have breasts due to surgery to prevent or treat cancer, you might tell girls not to sweat the small stuff and to just enjoy their youth and good health. In the end, the thing that matters most is the person that you are and the goodness that you bring to the world. Too bad that it takes some of us awhile past puberty to really understand the wisdom in that.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Long Distance Romances: How I made a stranger cry on my flight home
Yep. Hard hearted me handled the situation really badly. It started well, as we shared a 3-person row, on the plane, with the middle seat between us remaining empty. She was friendly and we developed an immediate bond by agreeing to not look anyone in the eye who was walking by, during the boarding, to avoid having anyone connect and then sit. We waited and then the plane door closed and we knew we had accomplished our goal of having an empty middle seat for the almost 4-hour flight. After such a harrowing experience, we bonded and began chatting.
As it turns out, and usually does, her story was more interesting than mine. I was leaving my grandchildren and flying home to my husband. While I miss the children so much when we are apart, our relationship is, without a doubt, a forever one. The only sadness is that I won’t see them for about 6 weeks. However, the upside was that I was returning home to my wonderful husband who I was looking forward to seeing. Romantic, but sort of dull!
Now about my new seat friend: She has been dating a man from California for about 2 years and was not happy that the relationship hasn’t progressed. They meet in Las Vegas about every few months. It is much closer for him then coming to the East coast to see her. She seemed sad and said that he has never made the effort to come to her home. Along with that, she said that the relationship didn’t offer as strong as a connection as she would really like to have. She offered that for the Christmas holidays she always goes to a warm climate with her girl friends (thank goodness for girl friends!!). They leave on Christmas or right before, staying through New Year’s Eve.
This is where my tough love, tear inducing self enters: I ask her how she met the guy and she says online, which I truly believe can be a great way to meet someone. Then I ask why she doesn’t date someone closer to home, if this isn’t working for her, and that’s when her sadness begins to explode. She hasn’t been able to meet someone that she is attracted to and wants to date. The men associated with her job are married and, thank goodness, she said that she doesn’t want that at all. Then I say: Why not get back online and look for someone else if this guy isn’t giving you what you want! I told her that I am not Dr. Phil, but I could see that she is unhappy even talking about this. Then she began crying. OY! I felt so badly for her and then felt totally uncomfortable about not being able to say the right thing. As you can imagine, I tried though. I told her that she seemed like a lovely person and deserved better than to not have what she wanted in love. It was my attempt to validate her, even though I didn’t really know her life history. Then, I told her (and probably shouldn’t have) about an ill-fated long distance romance that I had before meeting my husband. I thought it would give her hope for the future – wrong!!! It was very sad and she cried more. She told me that the guy isn’t financially stable and she works hard to save money for retirement. As she was talking, she was hearing herself and became even sadder.
Now for the hard hearted part: She was looking out of the window, so I pulled out my iPad and began watching a movie I had downloaded for the trip. Even though I was enjoying the distraction of the movie, I still kept a semi-watchful eye out should she want to talk more. She fell asleep and I was glad, yet hopeful that meant some peace for her. Also, I wasn’t sure I wanted to say more to someone I really couldn’t do much for. I am always about the fix-up, but didn’t have anyone I could match with her. In a way, I was emotionally done with the discussion too.
After returning home, I wanted to learn more about long distance romances so the next time this comes up, I could offer advice that would be helpful rather than blab on in a way that makes things worse. I found a beinggirl.com article about long distance relationships that would have been useful, even for us grown-up girls. The reason I liked the article is that it offered advice in a context that would allow someone to assess and move his or her relationship to a more satisfying place. Here are the topics covered in the article:
Be realistic about your feelings for him and vice versa.
How strong is your connection?
Is your long-distance relationship fact or fantasy?
Facing the challenge, anticipating the obstacles.
The pain of saying goodbye.
The importance of seeing each other as often as possible.
Make sure you're clear on the terms of your relationship.
Finally, make sure you don't start living the life of a hermit when he's not around.
http://www.beinggirl.com/article/long-distance-relationship-advice/?utm_source=247moms.blogspot.com&utm_medium=NurseElaine&utm_content=link20111104&utm_campaign=comm_mgr
If you know someone in a long distance relationships who talks about it a lot, and not in a good way, you may want to forward the article, as I believe it might help her take another look at what she is experiencing. It might also give you a better way to discuss this with her.
To all who love in a long distance way, hope it ends happily!!
As it turns out, and usually does, her story was more interesting than mine. I was leaving my grandchildren and flying home to my husband. While I miss the children so much when we are apart, our relationship is, without a doubt, a forever one. The only sadness is that I won’t see them for about 6 weeks. However, the upside was that I was returning home to my wonderful husband who I was looking forward to seeing. Romantic, but sort of dull!
Now about my new seat friend: She has been dating a man from California for about 2 years and was not happy that the relationship hasn’t progressed. They meet in Las Vegas about every few months. It is much closer for him then coming to the East coast to see her. She seemed sad and said that he has never made the effort to come to her home. Along with that, she said that the relationship didn’t offer as strong as a connection as she would really like to have. She offered that for the Christmas holidays she always goes to a warm climate with her girl friends (thank goodness for girl friends!!). They leave on Christmas or right before, staying through New Year’s Eve.
This is where my tough love, tear inducing self enters: I ask her how she met the guy and she says online, which I truly believe can be a great way to meet someone. Then I ask why she doesn’t date someone closer to home, if this isn’t working for her, and that’s when her sadness begins to explode. She hasn’t been able to meet someone that she is attracted to and wants to date. The men associated with her job are married and, thank goodness, she said that she doesn’t want that at all. Then I say: Why not get back online and look for someone else if this guy isn’t giving you what you want! I told her that I am not Dr. Phil, but I could see that she is unhappy even talking about this. Then she began crying. OY! I felt so badly for her and then felt totally uncomfortable about not being able to say the right thing. As you can imagine, I tried though. I told her that she seemed like a lovely person and deserved better than to not have what she wanted in love. It was my attempt to validate her, even though I didn’t really know her life history. Then, I told her (and probably shouldn’t have) about an ill-fated long distance romance that I had before meeting my husband. I thought it would give her hope for the future – wrong!!! It was very sad and she cried more. She told me that the guy isn’t financially stable and she works hard to save money for retirement. As she was talking, she was hearing herself and became even sadder.
Now for the hard hearted part: She was looking out of the window, so I pulled out my iPad and began watching a movie I had downloaded for the trip. Even though I was enjoying the distraction of the movie, I still kept a semi-watchful eye out should she want to talk more. She fell asleep and I was glad, yet hopeful that meant some peace for her. Also, I wasn’t sure I wanted to say more to someone I really couldn’t do much for. I am always about the fix-up, but didn’t have anyone I could match with her. In a way, I was emotionally done with the discussion too.
After returning home, I wanted to learn more about long distance romances so the next time this comes up, I could offer advice that would be helpful rather than blab on in a way that makes things worse. I found a beinggirl.com article about long distance relationships that would have been useful, even for us grown-up girls. The reason I liked the article is that it offered advice in a context that would allow someone to assess and move his or her relationship to a more satisfying place. Here are the topics covered in the article:
Be realistic about your feelings for him and vice versa.
How strong is your connection?
Is your long-distance relationship fact or fantasy?
Facing the challenge, anticipating the obstacles.
The pain of saying goodbye.
The importance of seeing each other as often as possible.
Make sure you're clear on the terms of your relationship.
Finally, make sure you don't start living the life of a hermit when he's not around.
http://www.beinggirl.com/article/long-distance-relationship-advice/?utm_source=247moms.blogspot.com&utm_medium=NurseElaine&utm_content=link20111104&utm_campaign=comm_mgr
If you know someone in a long distance relationships who talks about it a lot, and not in a good way, you may want to forward the article, as I believe it might help her take another look at what she is experiencing. It might also give you a better way to discuss this with her.
To all who love in a long distance way, hope it ends happily!!
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